It has been a very very very long time.
A lot has changed. It is 1:30 AM and I've been trying to sleep for an hour and a half so I figure a little cathartic treatment a la Freud will help me rest my mind.
A lot has changed the past few months. I've been really chaotic in myself... the kind of long journey that starts with a single step only I didn't go anywhere. Not enough money for tickets.
I've been dealing a lot with the concept with gender. I asked myself, am I a male in a woman's body? Am I transgender? Or am I the butchest butchie butch?
I have found
after a long time that I am comfortable in my own skin--- the skin I am
not comfortable in is society's skin. I am androgynous-- I want to have
no gender. I realize this is impossible because anyone going anywhere
is judged first by their perceived gender.
Gender does not matter.
I have learned after some hard searching that I do indeed have my
masculine and feminine qualities, and trying to squash out either and
'pass' is not going to work. So fuck society's rules. I think I will
stick with the name Eliot because ultimately I would like to be
genderless---- we'll see how that plays out in the future.
I
have also found, after a long soul search, that I am not an Art major.
I don't have the inspiration and energy to pour into so many things
outside of me so quickly. I've been in burnout not knowing what to do.
Instead,
I am a Women's Studies major, with a minor in Art (which I only need
one more class to finish), and another minor in World Religions.
Hooray for useless degree fields!
I've also tried once again to renew my faith in something. I say fuck society's rules on religion too. Whatever gives me peace of mind.
So. Starting tomorrow:
a new major
a new outlook
a new haircut
a new bra
a new smile
a new prayer
a new fuck the world attitude.
The ability of a person to intimidate and overwhelm a person with what is supposed to be 'their own stupidity' shouldn't be the judge of an argument.
In a bitter, feminine hormonal response to such bullying by my flatmate and fiancee, I have holed myself up the bedroom with my laptop and a long blast of Breaking Benjamin.
Run away.
Make hate.
We get laid,
we get laid.
Tie me up,
I've had enough,
so medicate.
I haven't listened to this shit since sophomore year of high school.
Haven't got any of their new albums, kinda feel like I should look into that.
Can't wait until I can be with a certain someone for a certain rendezvous of the lesbitten kind. It's been too long since I've been with a woman... a lesbian living with a man is not meant to be and it's beginning to take its toll on me. I'm not sure I can keep this up anymore. I just signed a year lease..... all I can say is fuck. I probably won't last....
Also signed away my school year to work today... fun working weekends and serving drunken jocks on a self-indulgent roly-poly romp across what Henry David Thoreau called "a play at life"... which is all college really is.
You know, staying on one topic would probably make my rants more coherent. But I'm too discombobulated to concentrate. It's a late, caffeine-laden night. Stop harrasselling me.
P.S.---- I shaved my head again. ha ha. Pictures later, darlings.
When was the last time you made a drastic change to your personal style (i.e., wardrobe, hairstyle, etc.)? What did you do?
Submitted by miyna.
Well, in winter I shaved my head. It was fun. Way easy. If my face was better I would keep it.
Everyone thought I was copying Britney Spears--- because I totally worship the ground she walks on. Yup. I got married and had two kids and drove with them in my lap too. Then had a nasty divorce.
Hmmmm. Right now in the wee hours before work I'm trying to decide if I want to do the right thing with my thehookah.com gift certificate and just get some shisha, or if I want to get THIS.
Very very nice. My current hookah doesn't compare.
Criminy.
I guess I'll go to Hell-mart.
For the record, I'm gay.
Doiel will confirm this.
No, I am not one of those god awful fake "OMGs LOLZ MAKING OUT WITH GIRLS GETS MY BOYFRIEND HARD" titwhores that makes me want to finish whatever I'm drinking and then show what a dyke can do.
I can see that you probably won't believe me, given the Myspace status of my profile picture.
Case in point:
I am engaged to a man who is this:
But just as easily shifts into this:
Case in fabulous point.
But back to the ex's. The last thing you want to hear is that they're doing well after surreptitiously ripping your heart from your rigid body over the course of months and then blaming you singlehandedly for the demise of their family, their health, their alcoholism.
I am not a wrathful person. Just prone to ranting when the mood suits.
I haven't had the best of relationships. I end up unceremoniously crying every time I see the "Can I Kiss You?" program (for reasons, if you know the program, you can probably guess; I'm not going to spell it out for you). The case in point of the ex-girlfriend who took me for 3 1/2 years of unbelievable cross ocean struggle and 1000's of dollars of plane tickets. Not that it wasn't worth it at the time.
A bunch of high school drama followed by college drama which is, thankfully, slightly less.
This hasn't really been an ex-girlfriend rant, has it? I promise to make my other posts better and more coherent.
I think SoCo would aid in this task.
The cat is puking on the carpet. Hail and well met.
Why does it seem like such a good idea to skip eating when you're suddenly hurt?
.....
Even if you're starving?
Even when the other person is buying?
I don't need your goddamn Subway.
Sometimes I feel like I can't do it. Take care of people. Doiel. The cats. Rachel. Jenny. AJ.
One of my close friends (who I love dearly, sometimes I feel like it doesn't reciprocate when I'm left out completely out of their life.... there's always someone else... but that's another blog.)...
......
...anyway, one of my close friends coined the phrase "letting people rent space in your head."
That's what it is.
So many people are renting space in my head. And I do shit.
Wow, such a nice change from my last post.
Things about me that I am putting on here in the hopes no one ever finds me. I make sense.
1. I'm slowly becoming my mother as I now have an apartment of my own.
2. I'm living with my lover (Doiel) in the middle of nowhere. He's handsome. See?
3. We are looking for a third, a lesbian/bisexual/pansexual woman to join us. For fun. It's fun.
4. We are committed to leaving this miserable shell of a state and making out alive to the West Coast next summer. This is of utmost importance. Mecca.
5. Persephone (the namesake of this blog) is the name of my vagina. Following Apollo, the name of my lover's member. I would post a picture but I'm pretty sure that's not allowed. Ha.
6. ....I am really really hoping my mother never finds this right about now.
7. I don't drink nearly enough.
8. I don't get out nearly enough.
9. I'm quite sure I'm manic-depressive... wanna watch?
10. Oh yes, I'm in college. That might explain things. Art and Philosophy.
Where do you consider home? Is it the place you grew up; the place you're currently living? Why is it home?
Submitted by uncagedbird.
Home......
Being uninspired at the time of my first blog it's funny that this should be the almighty "Question of the Day."
Having recently moved into a new apartment I am home.
My hubby is here. Our cats are here, the messy little brats.
I've got everything I could ever need.
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Persephone said:
Yes, and it's getting harder and harder... I wish I hadn't signed that lease. read more
on Another bitter rant of disillusionment.... -
Rachel said:
I don't believe I could ever live with men, so props to you for trying it out atleast. I just... read more
on Another bitter rant of disillusionment....
Hey im just like browsing the internet looking for artwork for my band and i stumbled across you. You should... read more
on Another bitter rant of disillusionment....